Easter Blog… Of Death!

Was in the grocery store the other day masturbating.  Or buying food, one of the two.

Anyway, a dude in front of me was buying a shitload of candy and there wasn’t snow on the ground so I figured either easter was upon us or a diabetic wanted to go out happy.  A few friendly questions and I discovered it was the former rather than the latter.


Chocolate-coated bullet dodged.

Anyway, I really do have a point I swear.

So I started talking to the clerk about easter as he was ringing up my stuff, and I shall impart what I said to him (which he agreed with).

Easter when I was growing up, how shall I put this… creeped my shit bigtime.

It’s a big happy holiday with chocolate and games to celebrate the gruesome torture of jesus, who was supposedly the only guy who ever lived that didn’t have it coming.  It’s like the worst thing that could ever possibly happen according to the christian scheme of things in which I was raised.  An absolutely innocent (not just run-o-the-mill “innocent”) person is denied water in the desert, then when he asks for a drink is made to drink bile.  Is beaten during his trial (slight miscarriage of justice), and skipping some steps, basically tortured until he can no longer walk, then nailed to a piece of wood, has his legs broken, is impaled with a spear and then if he was still alive, left to die in agony.

But hey, we came out on top, he did it for us.  YAY!  Super-awesome.  Lets call this good friday and have a party in remembrance of it!

Fucked up stuff man.

I remember watching the movie Sister Act when I was little, they sang the song Oh Happy Day.  It goes:

“Oh happy day…”


“Oh happy day…”

Alright, with you so far.

“When jesus died…”

Wait, whoa back up…

“And washed our sins away…”

Ah, see, if something benefits you no matter how horrendous it is to someone else it’s a good thing.

Like if your best friend gets run over by a bus, then sort of flops around on the pavement in a mangled heap for 20 minutes and then dies begging the EMT’s to kill him, but the next day you find out you inherited the winning lotto ticket in his pocket and get a million dollars, then it’s not at all in poor taste to call that day AWESOME tuesday and get drunk and go to the strip club in remembrance each year.

Not even a little morbid.

What’s even more fucked up is that an atheist, who doesn’t even believe jesus exists anymore (and possibly never did) has to point out how demented and offensive to one’s sense of right and wrong this is, whereas christians who claim to love the guy and think he’s watching over them generally don’t seem to have a problem with it.

Lets see – rec’ this if you were ever creeped out by the premise of easter, or if you find it a little creepy now.  Or like the blog or want to sex me.

I will of course take all recommendations from females as the last one : P


About agnophilo

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27 Responses to Easter Blog… Of Death!

  1. apyus says:

    keeping score?

  2. I only did it for the sex reason : /

  3. The whole of Christianity just makes no sense to me…/hi5

  4. As a person raised within Latin American flavored Catholicism, I never understood the general “:D” and candy attitude from such a somber holiday as Easter. My mother would frequently ask me what’s up with the pastel colored candies and I really couldn’t answer her. Then again, Latin American (and even Spanish) flavored Catholicism is a little too hardcore when it comes to this time of year. Just a tad. O_o 

  5. Count me in.. this is beyond me.

  6. agnophilo says:

    @apyus – Of course : )@beautifullymindfull – Nice : D@HeartOfPandora – That’s what you get when you drill ideas into peoples’ heads, they grow up and believe without thinking first.@salvatruca_stalking_havok13 – It’s just a ripoff of the pagan holiday.  Another level of theological bentness I didn’t even get into.@prettypistol6 – And yet you did not express your undying “recommendations” for me : (

  7. Yah I get your point. In my country, we are pretty much hardcore during “good” Fridays, some people would flagellate themselves — and there are people who would literally get crucified on the cross like Jayyzeus.http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/1901095.stmBtw, I just rec’d this for the sex — I will expect you tomorrow in my bed.

  8. agnophilo says:

    @northernskylights – Man those people are fucking nuts.  In the US people are considered crazy for doing it ceremonially without the nails (just tying hands).  I feel better about my country’s religious lunacy now, thank you : )  And yeah, I’d sex ya if I reached that far.  Alas even my manhood does not reach all the way across the ocean : (

  9. @agnophilo – they are really nuts. we were a spanish colony for 333 years and i have to agree with one of your commenter that catholicism in latin america ( at least the former spanish colonies like my country) are pretty hardcore.you aint seen nothing yet. being an atheist here will really test your sanity.

  10. red_rook says:

    Yeah, this is why I prefer one of the original meanings of Easter.  We have bunnies, and eggs to celebrate the fertility of creatures and the beauty of the rebirth of life.  The pagan holiday of declaring a king on this day who gets to sleep with a chosen virgin in front of everyone in a river also sounds kick-ass.It’s better than the other pagan holiday where the eldest woman in the village slit an aging king’s throat on Winter Solstice preparing for his stronger better in battle offspring on Easter.  All in all, Pagans get 2 points for their kick ass version of this holiday, atheist get 1 point for just enjoying candy and family once in a while, and Christians get -1 point for being morbid and disturbing people with mentalities akin to the worst serial killers.The atheist win when I tally all the holidays.  Christians come in last.  That’s just me though.Actually, Shi’ite muslims loose by a far margin when they hit themselves in the head with swords on Ashura.  That is a different story entirely though.

  11. agnophilo says:

    @northernskylights – The irony is they’re not actually crucifying themselves.  The article said one woman was there for her 15th crucifixion.  If they were doing it right one would kill them.  So really they might as well use fake nails and ketchup for blood for all the realism this demented shit even has going for it.  And yeah I imagine living there would strain the think-bone a bit.  I hope these guys are the fringes though at least, not the mainstream or moderate christians.@red_rook – Yup.  Never thought of creating a point system, but heathens would probably come up in the lead if I did , though it would be admittedly biased : )

  12. @agnophilo – they just want the suffering. they really dont want to die. when i was child i saw one crucifixion and it fucked my little brain back then. i cannot forget the gruesomeness. 

  13. agnophilo says:

    @northernskylights – : (  That sucks.  They let people bring children to this shit? That’s unforgivable.  I mean you might as well show a five year old german dungeon porn.

  14. @agnophilo – i’ll go for porn anytime.

  15. agnophilo says:

    @northernskylights – Yeah but not when you’re five I would hope.

  16. @agnophilo – hahaha yes, porn for 5 year old’s are kinda off. it might make one sexually abnormal like some of the catholic bishops.

  17. agnophilo says:

    @northernskylights – Chilly.  And yeah, nudity is harmless, but extreme porn can mess kids up.

  18. cyberbear says:

    I remember wanting to slap the shit out of my Catholic buddy who ripped me a new one for not wanting to get bombed on Good Friday.  To me, the day always sucked.  Christ was a hero to me and nobody wanted to break damned routine in His memory.

  19. agnophilo says:

    @cyberbear – Most people are barely awake, they just go with whatever the people around them do.

  20. asrial86 says:

    Now that you mention it (like that) I do find it extremely morbid.Then again my mom taught me that Easter was the weekend the Easter Bunny came around and shit out coloured eggs all over our house for us to go around and collect in a plastic wicker basket.  So for me, that’s always been the “real” meaning.  And then I found out the easter bunny wasn’t real and I was like, “meh what else is new” cause like.. santa… tooth fairy.. easter bunny.. god…..

  21. The premise itself is twisted. God could have snapped his fingers or by Godudental decree simply forgived us all because Adam and Eve ate an apple they weren’t suppose to. An apple that he knew they were going to eat before he even created them because he knows everything.Instead of creating a new star or giving us a second moon to mark the occassion and God’s goodness and compassion he chose to send himself to be tortured and killed only to rise 3 days later.What always got me was why? Why this way? It makes no sense….and on top of that it is violent, twisted and illogical.

  22. Take your friend analogy and have him push you out of the way of the bus and blam, you get Easter.

  23. Phenom66 says:

    Now i am creeped out, i will still enjoy my chocolate though.

  24. FalconBridge says:

    The thing is, once you ask to be recommended I don’t want to anymore. A really fun thing to do is ask Christians where the Easter Bunny came from then?  I had an odd moment about a week ago my husband’s father and fiancee were over.  No idea how it came up but they were saying something about god creating the world and resting and how in one faith it’s Saturday another it’s Sunday.  But I asked, “If he’s god all powerful and all knowing, why did he have to rest?”  They’re answer, “Because he could.” 

  25. @salvatruca_stalking_havok13 – @agnophilo – Easter is based upon the ancient celtic festival, Ostara. It was a fertility festival, celebrating spring and the return of warm sun and fertility to the earth. So many people buy chocolate bunnies and peeps without ever stopping to think, ‘Wait…what to bunnies and chickies and eggs have to do with Jesus, exactly…?’Not a damn thing. Early christians were trying to appease Pagans by incorporating pre-existing traditions into their christian setting. Xmas – same shit, different holiday. I’ve been Pagan for almost fifteen years and it never ceases to amaze me how little christians know about the traditions of their own religion. If it weren’t for european Paganism they wouldn’t have any holidays or traditions at all.

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