Why Questioning Faith Is Scary.

I’ve given a lot of thought to what makes people tick for years and especially to how faith works, because it is such a major part of peoples’ thought processes and emotional makeup in the US. One striking difference between skeptics and people of faith is always how willing skeptics are to question and how resistant people of faith often are to question. I put most of my mental energy into questioning my thoughts and they into maintaining and reinforcing theirs (at least their religious views, they are often reasonable about other views where there is no religious overlap). For much of my life I assumed religious people were just pig-headed and closed-minded and that it was just a character flaw. But after much thought I’ve realized that they’re doing the same thing people do with many other beliefs – putting all their eggs into one basket.

Let me walk you through a parallel. Imagine someone who is taught as a child or comes to believe that whites are superior to blacks. Before I continue I want to make very clear that I’m not equating the two views morally in any way or suggesting that faith makes someone racist or anything of the sort. I have a very valid point, please bear with me. So anyway, our hypothetical person believes whites are superior to blacks, lets say he gets it from his parents who share the same view. So already getting along with them, getting affection from them, getting approval etc is much easier if he doesn’t question this view. As he gets older he will likely deal with self-esteem issues, but he can take comfort in knowing that he’s okay (better in fact) because he has white skin. He will seek out peers who feel the same way and avoid confrontation with those who don’t (because any confrontation would call his self-worth into question). One day he joins a white supremacist organization because while they hate everyone else they care for their own and it’s a place where he can fit in, he can feel loved, feel accepted, not have his views questioned and actually have them reinforced. A year later he finds a nice girl with the same views, and a few years later they marry. Her father (who shares the same view) gives him a job right out of college better than he could’ve gotten on his own and all is good.

But then one day something makes him question that one thing he was taught as a child, maybe he sees someone killed because of the color of their skin. This moment will be terrifying for him for the exact same reason it is terrifying for a person of faith. Because if he reverses this one, single solitary opinion he loses his job, wife, kids, parents, friends, sense of community, self-esteem and his very sense of who he is and what his place is in the world simultaneously. He effectively commits social and emotional suicide.

Now is this because not being racist = pain, turmoil and loneliness? Or did he, by putting all of his eggs in one basket and investing so much into one idea (most likely unintentionally) paint himself into a corner?

I think the same is true of faith, mostly due to organized religion. I think people tend to avoid people who call their religious views into question for the exact same reason, it calls their everything into question, threatens their relationships, their sense of purpose and meaning, their moral worldview, sense of community etc, and most people don’t have the courage (or foolhardiness) to go down that rabbit hole not knowing where it leads. Add onto that all of the defenses religions have built in over the centuries, fear of hell, the idea that questioning is sinful (so people won’t start until they’re so far down that road it’s harder for them to do) etc. It has taken me many years to realize this because I can’t relate to it. I am not painted into a corner like this. There is no single idea that my whole worldview is dependent on. I don’t put that much emphasis on any one thing, my views are eclectic. I take a little from everything, even the bible (I even have religious music on my playlist). So if it were proven that there is a god it would not pain me to change my views any more than it would pain me to change my views about bigfoot. In fact it would be interesting and exciting findings if either were proven to be real.

One of the many benefits of skepticism is that faulty ideas are discarded long before these kinds of emotional investments are made, so you run far less of a risk of waking up one day and finding out that your whole life is built around something which may be wrong, and if our hypothetical guy had questioned his views earlier it would have been much different for him. The same is true of losing faith, sooner is easier, later is hard, late is usually impossible.

I’ve tried very hard not to be offensive to anyone in this blog, and haven’t even addressed the issue of whether or not there is a god or any particular religion is true. I’m just talking about the emotional and social ramifications of beliefs. I’m not an attention whore, but please rec’ this especially if you’re religious or have a lot of religious subscribers, I think it might be insightful.

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About agnophilo

Nerd.
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43 Responses to Why Questioning Faith Is Scary.

  1. Ampbreia says:

    I’m not religious, but I’m reccomending this anyway. I used to be religious and know what an investment into a certain social life it can be and how perilous to brave escaping it when you finally realize you don’t actually believe it.  My sister, who ran away a lot when a kid, finally told me the reason she did it: she was being force-fed religion and it didn’t agree with her.  I didn’t even begin to question religion until I was a teenager and by the time I was ready to admit that I disagreed with it and wasn’t going to apologize to anyone for it, I was already safely independent.  Hence, my teenage years were realatively stress free, but hers involved the stress of running from something she didn’t know how else to resist.  In the end, we ended up in the same place: confident in our own ever-adaptable opinions of life and spirituality and just a tad bit leery of religious family members trying to draw us back into the party line.  I think what you say is right: sticking to religion for some people is just easier than resisting it.

  2. Pcygniime says:

    @agnophilo  I agree with you!! We do paint ourselves into a corner, put all our eggs in one basket,  whenever you stand on an issue, be it faith, whichever way it points, or whatever… We all look for justification for ourselves and our beliefs and try to garner support for them both in our dealings with our fellows of both genders. Its too bad that it has to be that way, but “welcome to my nightmare” so to speak its so good to see you, Pull up a seat of your choice and we can suffer together….lol Peace

  3. If you’re familiar with Dan Barker, he was an evangelical preacher who turned atheist. He tells the story of losing his faith, but keeping his spot in the ministry because he knew nothing else. And he knows of at least a dozen other pastors who have similar issues.I think your blog illustrates the point perfectly. Kudos.

  4. Your comparison is an excellent one. The way children are taught to believe is exactly like any other kids of indoctrination. When I left christianity I had the hell hangover for awhile, which is common among new Pagans. There’s a serious conflict between what you’re taught to believe and what you truly, in your heart of hearts, believe. Eventually it passes as the person allows themselves to accept that there is no one ‘true’ way. Many of them decide to embrace another religion or leave religion behind entirely, but they really need that break from being pushed in order to decide. You can’t think when you’ve got someone standing over you and telling you what to believe all the time.  Questioning that unfortunately brings a lot of complex elements into your life. Suddenly you’re not just no longer christian or exploring your path, you’ve managed to alienate your family, friends and church. I imagine kids who tell their parents they’re gay go through the same thing in terms of separation and feeling like they can’t be part of their communities any longer. In a christian community, it doesn’t matter what you do, if you’re the only maverick in the herd you’re not going to accepted, trusted or liked.

  5. While it’s probably not a thorough picture of Christians’ faith, I don’t disagree with you. In some ways, I’m glad I was a black sheep among the religious people I grew up with. My struggles with doubts that I could not relate with others made me lonely, but it also made me self-motivated in finding truth. But if anything, it’s rewarded the trust in God (AKA faith) I have now. 

  6. agnophilo says:

    @Ampbreia – More and more I’m seeing that the social constructs around religions are where a lot of the bad stuff comes from, that if they were more left up to the individual and less “revealed Truth” that everyone must conform to the state of christianity and other religions might be vastly improved, as well as society in general.  I’m glad it worked out pretty okay with you and your sis though : )@Pcygniime – Out of curious are you religious or secular?  Just wondering.  And as micheal shermer said awhile ago, “our minds are like lawyers, not scientists”.@GodlessLiberal – I wasn’t familiar with him in particular, but I’ve heard examples like his.  I did a blog ages ago about statistics on protestant pastors which showed that, among other things, 89% said they considered leaving the ministry (not surprising with any vocation) and a majority 57% said they would leave the ministry if they had a better offer, including secular work.  That just blows me away.  I hope they don’t act outwardly more fundamentalist and certain to compensate like gay congressmen do by being rabidly anti-gay rights.

  7. YouToMe says:

    @nyclegodesi24 –  same here. If anything, I got more flack for my faith; so much so that it felt like a fish swimming upstream most of the time. @agnophilo – Mark, You were very careful not to offend here. This was one of the most thoughtful posts you’ve ever written. Did you think of it while you were running? :)I liked this especially. Its very telling about your openness and willingness to seek truth>>>>:” So if it were proven that there is a god it would not pain me to change my views…. In fact it would be interesting and exciting findings if either were proven to be real.”Awesome!

  8. agnophilo says:

    @ZombieMom_Speaks – To be fair people in general tend to single out those that are different especially if almost everyone’s cookie-cutter the same (it is impossible to do that when everyone’s different), I think religious dogma just makes it easier to justify it, as does racism and nationalism.  You can get away with a lot worse with “god says so” than you can with “I say so”.@nyclegodesi24 – I was just talking about one aspect of beliefs in general (not just faith), this wasn’t meant to sum up christianity.  I get the feeling you didn’t read the blog.

  9. agnophilo says:

    @YouToMe – Yup : )  And no foolsies.I thought you were going to quote the “foolhardy” part for a second.  But yeah, I did think of it when running, but also because I was caffienated which always makes me cleverer and insightfulerer.

  10. @YouToMe – Yeah. I remember once in the 9th grade the teacher asked if there were any Born-again Christians. I was too embarrassed to raise my hand. So I think it works both ways: Christians have their sociological motivations to stay Christians, but also have their sociological motivations to suppress it.

  11. @agnophilo – I did. What I mean by not being thorough is that it doesn’t account for the fact that our involvement outside of our Christian circle pressures us to abandon it as well. Few Christians in the real world actually do have all their “eggs” in the same basket. I, for example, have more non-Christian friends than Christian friends. I’m very much exposed to the outside culture, and so I rely less on having a Christian support network. 

  12. agnophilo says:

    @nyclegodesi24 – True, though I think having everything of value stripped away from your life is a stronger disincentive than being embarrassed.  The teacher sounds like a dick though.  And bear in mind not expressing your views and not having them is two different things, I’ve never known a racist person who didn’t pretend not to be racist in mixed company, to use the analogy in the blog.  I knew one parent who admonished her kids not to listen to “nigger music” (ie rap/hip-hop) whose husband’s best friend was black and they had him over all the time.  This was part of why in this blog I referred to avoiding conflicts with people who disagree and gravitating toward those that do.

  13. agnophilo says:

    @nyclegodesi24 – Very valid point, and I’m glad many people don’t put all their eggs in one basket.  But even if the only “egg” you have is that your wife is christian, I can see how someone would not want to question their faith.

  14. @agnophilo – Right, the distinction between expression/belief is a good one. But it’s still true that Christians are pressured not just to suppress their religious belief but to leave it altogether. Two of my former Christian friends from college, for example, left because (1) she wanted to go clubbing with friends (Probably much more to her reasons than that) (2) most of her friends were non-Christian and she felt torn between her christian and non-Christian friends. 

  15. FalconBridge says:

    I was like, no those two don’t go together… oh but wait it does make sense.  It’s so very sad.

  16. Pcygniime says:

     @agnophilo   Secular. To each his own as long as they don’t try to stuff it down my throat. There is a master hand behind it all, but I don’t by into the savior thing. You save yourself or don’t!! Peace

  17. @GodlessLiberal – Since atheism is a belief that is based on pure faith, what happens when an atheist loses their faith?The point is that to truly believe in God, one has to be reasonable. And that faith without reason isn’t worth much.

  18. YouToMe says:

    Yes, agree same here also. Most people in person non Christian. @nyclegodesi24 – 

  19. agnophilo says:

    @nyclegodesi24 – That’s kind of like an amish person leaving the faith to use electricity, both instances are someone wanting something more than they could have with the faith, rather than being pressured by others to conform.  Not that it doesn’t ever happen, but I don’t know that it equalizes out quite the same.  If I, an atheist, meet a fundamentalist and they reject me unless I become christian, that isn’t going to have the same weight as my wife of 20 years possibly leaving me if I deconvert.I’m not trying to make it into a pissing contest or anything, just thinking about it.@Pcygniime – My philosophy is similar, believe what you want so long as it’s not forced on others.@FalconBridge – As I said I’m not equating the two morally.  But yeah I do feel for people who are in that position – even neo-nazis, though they’re less sympathetic if they’ve made people miserable for their views.@YouToMe – I think people in person just don’t wear their religion, political affiliation etc on their sleeves.  95% of the people I meet I never have a religion/atheism/spirituality conversation with.

  20. musterion99 says:

    I love how an atheist tries to explain why a person has faith and believes. To me that’s just another arrogant thing an atheist does towards a believer. It would be just as arrogant if I said atheists don’t believe in God because they were hurt in their lives. So if it were proven that there is a god it would not pain me to change my views any more than it would pain me to change my views about bigfoot. In fact it would be interesting and exciting findings if either were proven to be real.I find that hard to believe. You would submit your life to God’s will and worship and praise him and agree that sex outside of marriage, abortion, getting drunk and high, and homosexuality are sins? And that you are a sinner worthy of hell and hell is real? I don’t think so.

  21. YouToMe says:

    @agnophilo – Well, here in secularville (lol) Christians are prudent to keep quiet at grocery store etc. Though I still manage to open my trap. Please don’t take this as evidence for validity, but the more advanced the degree ( but also the higher the economic level) the less religious the majority of millieu seem to be.

  22. YouToMe says:

    Okay. Sorry. My reading comprehension again faulty. I agree about most perhapsnot wearing religious affiliation etc on sleeve. I, however, do 🙂 on my right back shoulder actually. Lol.

  23. TheSutraDude says:

    @musterion99 – “I find that hard to believe. You would submit your life to God’s will and worship and praise him and agree that sex outside of marriage, abortion, getting drunk and high, and homosexuality are sins? And that you are a sinner worthy of hell and hell is real? I don’t think so.” this is exactly what i mentioned to you in another post. i’m not picking on you but this is a perfect opportunity to point this out. these things you mention are what some people are led to believe by some interpretations of some scriptures. this is where the religious establishment’s hold on minds is totally fucked up. these things you list are man-made ideas. even the general idea of hell after death is a perversion created by religious establishments. mark my words. it is a fear tactic and an effective one. your argument here is much like the argument that if you believe Palestinians should have the right to self-determination you have to therefore be anti Semitic when the truth is very many if not most Jews and Palestinians get along. I know plenty of Christians who enjoy wine or beer with dinner or at pubs and believe the choice of abortion should be left up to women, not men and a government. one of my closest friends attends her Catholic Church at least twice a week. one night a week the church holds a mass/jazz night and wine and food is served. the priest she likes most and who has visited her at home is gay as is much of the congregation. it’s a large Catholic Church in Manhattan.  

  24. musterion99 says:

    @TheSutraDude – this is exactly what i mentioned to you in another post. i’m not picking on you but this is a perfect opportunity to point this out. these things you mention are what some people are led to believe by some interpretations of some scriptures.I would say it’s more than some people. I would say that throughout church history, it’s what the majority believed. this is where the religious establishment’s hold on minds is totally fucked up. these things you list are man-made ideasIt’s your opinion that it’s man made ideas. Christians don’t believe that. even the general idea of hell after death is a perversion created by religious establishments. It’s created from the bible, which many to believe to be God’s word. your argument here is much like the argument that if you believe Palestinians should have the right to self-determination you have to therefore be anti Semitic when the truth is very many if not most Jews and Palestinians get along.I don’t know how that’s the same argument, but in regards to that specific statement, I would tend to agree with you.The bible doesn’t say drinking wine is a sin.

  25. TheSutraDude says:

    @musterion99 – the church has changed its stance on many issues over the years and centuries. more than some people believed Wall Street was on the up and up. more than some people believed Lehman Brothers was a AAA firm right up until the end. this included the financial bibles, the Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times, Business Week, Moody’s and S&P rating agencies. strength in numbers is not an indicator of right or wrong. many Christians as i’ve pointed out disagree with the Christian ideas you stated including many priests and ministers. it’s misleading to make blanket statements about Christian beliefs other than there is a God who wrote the Bible and Jesus was his son who died for peoples’ sins. most everything else is under dispute. that the Earth is not the center of the Universe was only accepted by the Vatican with an official statement of proclamation in the mid 1980s, although i think it’s safe to assume most Christians believed this to be true far earlier. the idea of a burning hell existing after death is an interpretation of what is said in the Bible as is heaven. in the case of the latter i am still perplexed by the common interpretation being accepted as Jesus said implicitly the Kingdom of Heaven is within and that a person should not look outside onself, here or there, for heaven.  it’s the same type of argument. if you believe in God you must therefore believe in the ideas you stated to be the absolute and undisputed ideas of Christians, which they are not. if you believe the Palestinians have a right to self-determination you must therefore be anti Semitic which is as untrue. as for drinking. you’re right. you used the word drunk and not merely drinking. and after all monks make some of the best beer you can get. 🙂 

  26. musterion99 says:

    @TheSutraDude –  in the case of the latter i am still perplexed by the common interpretation being accepted as Jesus said implicitly the Kingdom of Heaven is within and that a person should not look outside onself, here or there, for heaven.  Jesus talked about giving believers eternal life and going to prepare a place for them.it’s the same type of argument. if you believe in God you must therefore believe in the ideas you stated to be the absolute and undisputed ideas of Christians, which they are notI never said all Christians agree on everything. I do believe that throughout church history, the majority believed the things I stated.

  27. TheSutraDude says:

    @musterion99 – i believe he said heaven is within and and warned not to look outside oneself because he meant one should not look outside oneself. he can no more give someone eternal life than Michael Jordan can give me basketball skills if i sit on the sidelines. eternal life is eternal life and by it’s very definition cannot be given or taken away. it can only be ignored or uncovered. on your second point, yes.  

  28. musterion99 says:

    @TheSutraDude – He did say the kingdom of God is among you. Whether he can give eternal life all hinges upon whether he is really divine or not.

  29. TheSutraDude says:

    @musterion99 – we are all divine. anyway, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to sidetrack us into interpretations of things. i just meant to point out there are very different interpretations. 

  30. musterion99 says:

    @TheSutraDude – What does being divine mean to you?

  31. TheSutraDude says:

    @musterion99 – there are many angles from which to answer, like describing a prism from multiple facets. to abbreviate a quote, “While deluded one is called a common mortal but once enlightened he is called a Buddha.” Buddhahood is often described as a state of being in which one possesses unshakable wisdom, indestructible happiness, infinite compassion and life force. i’ve heard it said in other practices that a true holy land is wherever a holy man or woman places his or her feet. i relate this to the concept in Buddhism that the environment supports a Buddha as there is no difference between a Buddha and his or her environment. the concept is sometimes called “Esho funi” meaning “Two but not two.” “Shiki shin funi” carries the same meaning but refers to body and mind.  

  32. agnophilo says:

    @musterion99 – “I love how an atheist tries to explain why a person has faith and believes. To me that’s just another arrogant thing an atheist does towards a believer. It would be just as arrogant if I said atheists don’t believe in God because they were hurt in their lives.”Most atheists, including myself, used to believe in god.  So no, not so arrogant.  And I see you getting pissed off, not telling me where my analysis is wrong.[So if it were proven that there is a god it would not pain me to change my views any more than it would pain me to change my views about bigfoot. In fact it would be interesting and exciting findings if either were proven to be real.]“I find that hard to believe.” I used to be christian, it’s not like I’ve never changed my worldview.”You would submit your life to God’s will and worship and praise him and agree that sex outside of marriage, abortion, getting drunk and high, and homosexuality are sins? And that you are a sinner worthy of hell and hell is real? I don’t think so.”No, I wouldn’t do those things unless I was convinced they were correct too.  As I said most of my worldview is not dependent on there being or not being a god, and part of that worldview is not believing that might = right or that morality is determined by authority.  If there is a god and that god is going to send me to hell if I don’t love and worship him, then I’m going to hell.  Because I couldn’t worship or love (or even respect) such a being.  And supposedly yahweh would know if I were faking, so I’m just screwed.Ironically if my wordview was the opposite, that morality is by definition god’s will, take away the god and I am lost.  At least for a good while.As I said this blog was not meant to be offensive, I don’t get why you’re getting pissed off, unless it struck a chord somewhere, in which case I apologize.

  33. agnophilo says:

    @YouToMe – True, though I think part of that may be fear of conflict.  I get flack when I open my trap about my views too almost anytime I do, but I don’t have much anxiety about it because I can defend my positions, and if someone gives me an argument I can’t refute I’m okay with admitting I could be wrong about something.  As I said in the blog no belief or view I hold is that first domino that will take down everything else, so if one falls no big deal (in fact better to get the dominos out of there anyway).@YouToMe – Har har : P  Unless you walk around shirtless though, same difference : P@TheSutraDude – True dat, and good point.

  34. agnophilo says:

    @musterion99 – It’s also worth mentioning that there being a god doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to be the christian god.

  35. musterion99 says:

    @agnophilo – As I said this blog was not meant to be offensive, I don’t get why you’re getting pissed off, unless it struck a chord somewhere, in which case I apologize.Like I said, I don’t like you acting as though you know why I and others, personally believe and have faith. Just like you wouldn’t like it if I did that with atheists. Some of what you said might apply to some people, but it’s an oversimplification to generalize as though you have figured out why people have faith. It’s not just putting all your eggs in one basket for everyone. You don’t know every one’s experiences they’ve had and the the thought process and reasoning they have. I appreciate the apology. Sounds like you’re trying to be more like GodlessLiberal, which is a good thing if you want those that disagree with you to have more respect for you.

  36. musterion99 says:

    @agnophilo –  It’s also worth mentioning that there being a god doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to be the christian god.Yes, I know. But I was referring to the Christian God.

  37. YouToMe says:

    Perhaps for some. But I never feared conflict. I sought it out often when i was younger in spiritual walk even. I was very bold. Remember, I always prefered honesty / knowing where i stood versus false people pleasing? ( though now I understand now that compliments and kindness are not always suspect). I do see your point though. One doesn’t always want to start something in grocery aisle. I also understand your point about having sciebtific evidence to defend your views. I understand how I do not have tangible evidence and my beliefs you see as no different than any other religious belief you cannot validate. But that still doesn’t stop me from voicing them, as ridiculous as they may seem to you/ others, my friend. Oh, and, har.

  38. agnophilo says:

    @musterion99 – If your experience is different, share it.As I’ve said, nowhere was I trying to stereotype believers, just put forward a few ideas that have been running around in my head lately.

  39. agnophilo says:

    @YouToMe – “Perhaps for some. But I never feared conflict. I sought it out often when i was younger in spiritual walk even. I was very bold.” Didn’t you say a lot of what they said never sank in though?  Not everyone’s the same.”Remember, I always prefered honesty / knowing where i stood versus false people pleasing? ( though now I understand now that compliments and kindness are not always suspect). I do see your point though. One doesn’t always want to start something in grocery aisle.”I’m so not a people pleaser : ) “I also understand your point about having scientific evidence to defend your views. I understand how I do not have tangible evidence and my beliefs you see as no different than any other religious belief you cannot validate.” I’ll take logical or empirical evidence.”But that still doesn’t stop me from voicing them, as ridiculous as they may seem to you/ others, my friend.”It does a lot of the time.  Sorry : (“Oh, and, har.”: P

  40. molladoll24 says:

    Agree with ya Mark.But then again, there are some that don’t have any preconceived reasons to do this. People that never had faith in any higher power and then turn to it later in life, I mean. People who just personally believe, or want to believe, that there is a higher power or something Good, and just out of reach. Faith is kind of a hard thing to generalize, because at the root of it– despite how churches and youth groups and organizations preach that it’s an easy decision that can be made in the blink of an eye– is extremely personal. I’m not sure my beliefs and faith are exactly that of my mother’s. I’ve read a lot and seen a lot that pull it into question every day. There are some days I have none, and some days that I am full of it (faith, not shit, haha.) It’s such a personal decision, which is why I disapprove of organized religion so much. Some people have a need to believe in something higher and powerful, some people don’t. Nobody else should have the power to tell one what they are meant to feel. (I think this is kind of reiterating what you wrote in some parts, but consider it as a stamp of approval.)

  41. agnophilo says:

    @molladoll24 – I wasn’t trying to generalize about anybody, just putting up my thoughts over the past few weeks.  I didn’t even go into the process of being born-again, though in my experience it usually happens with some kind of emotional hook and the idea that faith is somehow deeply necessary is pretty much universal, ie people converting because they believe it’s the only way to cope with an addiction, depression, loss, guilt etc.  Even assuming it works, they then become dependent on that worldview to cope with those things, just like a catholic person might feel they need to go to confession to get over guilt or an addict who uses the “admit that only god can help you” 12-step program will think that changing their views = doing drugs again, a scientologist might feel they can’t cope with painful memories without being “audited”, or even someone could get addicted to therapy.I’m a big proponent of the idea that there’s no one set way to deal with life’s problems, and I don’t like evangelists telling people x faith is the only way to get over addiction, be happy, have meaning, be moral etc.  But these are very common selling points in modern evangelism.Anyway, thanks for chiming in and hope nothing I said annoyed you too much : )

  42. YouToMe says:

    I love how you are so honest, Moll. I know it’s been hard for me to let go at times, but I am so proud of you. And glad you are finding your own way.. (( hugsworth). @molladoll24 – 

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