A (Somewhat Critical) Review Of The Watchtower.

Some jehovah’s witnesses knocked on my door this morning and we had a brief, friendly convo.  They gave me a copy of “awake!”, a watchtower publication I explained I was a non-believer and offered to give them back (in case they didn’t want to “waste” one on me, though I didn’t say that) and they said no I can keep them and gave me a copy of  The Watchtower too and I bid them a kind farewell. 

Now that being said I always read whatever religious propaganda I find in my area because I’m very curious what people in my neck of the woods are promoting, believe etc, and the materials are often unintentionally humorous.  So I read them both pretty much cover to cover, though I will admit I skipped over the 5 sections on abraham in one of them and a few other bits.  Anyway, these are the bits I found interesting.

Awake! had the cover story “The book that could not be destroyed”.  I’ll give you three guesses what book they’re talking about.  The article waxes on and on about how much people have hated the bible and attacked and sought to suppress it and suggests that the fact that it hasn’t been suppressed or destroyed and the fact of the controversy itself validates it’s contents.  But the same could be said of the koran, or even the harry potter series or beatles albums which were destroyed en-masse – ironically by angry christians.  Also it overlooks the fact that much of “the bible” has actually been suppressed – more books were suppressed than were included in the bible under emperor constantine (here are just some of the ones that remain in existence), and even if you consider their selection to be “the” bible, these books were later removed from the king james bible:

1 Esdras
2 Esdras
Tobit
Judith
Additions to Esther
Wisdom of Solomon
Ecclesiasticus
Baruch
Epistle of Jeremiah
Song of the Three Children
Story of Susanna
Bel and the Dragon
Prayer of Manasseh
1 Maccabees
2 Maccabees

And most christians don’t even know they exist.  So that’s 15 books, or 18% of the bible that’s been successfully suppressed by christians.  If the bible were a candybar someone took a big bite out of it.

They don’t mention that in their little timeline.

So anyway then they have a whole section on how much god loves animals.  Nowhere do they even mention the requirement for animal sacrifices and burnt offerings or god’s commandment to paint every door in egypt with lamb blood, or noah after the flood sacrificing some of every “clean” animal and bird species.  And they gloss over the fact that half of all animals eat other animals by blaming it implicitly on adam and eve.

A news section says that apparently the pope is no longer an organ donor – not because his organs are probably shot to begin with (I don’t think he would even qualify), but because the catholic church doesn’t want to take them out of their original packaging so they’ll still be collectable – they want to preserve his still living corpse in case he’s ever “venerated” (made into a saint).  Because withholding your organs and letting people die is apparently the saintly thing to do.

Another news thing says scientists were “blindsided” by the quake in haiti and that it happened on an undiscovered fault line – I know off the top of my head that scientists had actually predicted the precise magnitude of the quake a year in advance and were monitoring the fault line when it happened.  Good fact-checking.  And 90% of polish business owners have been the victims of “theft or deception” by their employees.  Why they need to report this bizarre statistic is beyond me.  What, polish business owners are gullible?  And black people loves them some watamellons they does!

Then they have a section called “peoples and lands” that gives a question from two girls (9 and 7) in india asking how many jehovah’s witnesses there are in india.  They answered “Is it 31,500, 59,600 or 86,000?”

Wtf???

Okay, on to the watchtower. 

The watchtower was actually much less interesting, it mainly had fuzzy wuzzy stuff about how god makes people feel and a bunch of stuff about prophecies (that wasn’t accurate as far as I could tell but it’s not worth wading into).  But I thought I’d share a few interesting lines. 

One bit talks about the accuracy of the bible, here’s the title of a section of it:

What evidence is there that bricks were made in ancient egypt?

Hmmm… let me think…

Oh yeah, the gigantic piles of them so big they’re visible from space which are one of about two things people from most of the world ever associate with egypt.  Should’ve thought of that.

Then there’s a section on rationalizing child sacrifice…

Then there’s a section on how to guard against wicked spirits.

It asks the following questions (you’re supposed to write in your answers):

How do you imagine how the men felt after encountering a wicked spirit…?

In what way can it be said that the wicked spirits “forsook their own proper dwelling place”?

What do the two accounts that you read tell you about the obsession wicked spirits have with sex and violence?

Then they ask what forms of media reflect the “attitude and interests” or wicked spirits.

Anyway, that’s about it.  Hope you enjoyed.

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About agnophilo

Nerd.
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16 Responses to A (Somewhat Critical) Review Of The Watchtower.

  1. YouToMe says:

    Maybe one of the seven wonders, maybe the bricks (?). Hahahahahah Oh the logic …

  2. The_ATM says:

    “The article waxes on and on about how much people have hated the bible and attacked and sought to suppress it and suggests that the fact that it hasn’t been suppressed or destroyed and the fact of the controversy itself validates it’s contents.”Well by this logic Rebecca Black’s song Friday is probably one of the best songs in the world.

  3. Lovegrove says:

    Thanks for the amusement. On thing though.The bible talks of the Israelites making bricks with straw and mud. Bricks! The pointy monuments the Gypos built are made out of natural rock carved out out of quarries. Not bricks in other words.

  4. agnophilo says:

    @YouToMe – : )  I like the line “oh the logic” like “oh the humanity”.@The_ATM – Heh : )@Lovegrove – Well to be fair you can bake bricks out of mortar which is often made of clay mud – red bricks aren’t carved out of a mountain you know.  But yeah, that does make a lot more sense, lol.  And gypos?

  5. Lovegrove says:

    @agnophilo – My point is that natural rock merely carved are not hand-made bricks. In passing, Moses and the lads are not said to have crossed the Nile to get to Tel Aviv airport, and the pyramids are on the west bank, the other side of where they are supposed to have been, but who’s counting.Gypos is short for Egyptian. Actually, Gypos or Gypsy is the name given to … well … Gypsies, because when they first appeared in Mediaeval Europe, they were thought to have originated from, you guessed it, Egypt.

  6. YouToMe says:

    Yeah. “not because his organs are probably shot to begin with (I don’t think he would even qualify), but because the catholic church doesn’t want to take them out of their original packaging so they’ll still be collectable – they want to preserve his still living corpse in case he’s ever “venerated” (made into a saint).  Because withholding your organs and letting people die is apparently the saintly thing to do.”Har- larious 🙂

  7. Jehovah’s witnesses have rather odd interpretations of the Bible. What little I know is based on what I learned from a friend who is one. They don’t celebrate birthdays based on the scripture about King Herod giving John the Baptist’s head on a platter as a gift because of a promise he shouldn’t have made. The idea is that birthdays are sinful because, well, look at this passage! Birthdays are obviously sinful! He also said they believe only a certain number of people are getting into heaven and nobody else is, based on the 140,000 (I think) from Revelations, and that to qualify you have to be sinless, including being a virgin for life, and he plans on having a family so he doesn’t expect to get into heaven :/ 

  8. layhomeopath says:

    Here’s another really interesting fact about the Watchtower. The edition you received at your door is the “public” edition. There is a separate edition for insiders called the “study” edition. (exJWs refer to it as the Kool-Aid edition!)  –If you were born into the JWs, it is VERY hard to get out. They pressure kids to get baptized before age 18, but then if they decide to leave later, they will be completely shunned by their family, and most of the friends they have grown up with. And shunned means like… no one can so much as say hi to them, unless they want to risk being likewise disfellowshipped and shunned.

  9. agnophilo says:

    @Lovegrove – I get the feeling it’s a racial slur to someone somewhere.@YouToMe – : )@TheBlueNinjaTiger – Fucked up.  And the birthday thing is honestly just stupid.  I mean even jesus got birthday presents for fuck’s sake.  By that logic trees are bad because adam and eve ate from one, but good because jesus was nailed to one which absolved us of our sins – but evil again because jesus fucked up a fig tree for not having any figs out of season, but good again because…Religions are the only institutions where you can say some really, really stupid shit and get people to go along with it by the millions for thousands of years.@layhomeopath – It sounds like someone needs a revolution.  They need to go all 60’s on them and just all break the rule at the same time and say “you wanna excommunicate and disown all of us?”  Get a union or something.  Sadly many religions are like that.  I’ve come to actually be almost grateful for the bland, mild catholicism I was indoctrinated into in my youth.  Better that than many other doctrines.  And yeah I’d like to get my hands on the “real” version.  Would make for a hell of a blog, pun intended : )

  10. Lovegrove says:

    @agnophilo – I get your point and it may be. On my part “Gypo” is just a shortened version of the full name: Gypsies. Gypsy is itself a name given them by “gentiles”, believing (wrongly) that they originated from Eqypt. The term is used in newspapers for instance , with no objection as I know from the subjects.

  11. agnophilo says:

    @Lovegrove – And here I thought christopher columbus was the only dumbass who named an entire continent of people incorrectly and it stuck.

  12. agnophilo says:

    @Lovegrove – I was kidding, but thanks for the condescension all the same.

  13. agnophilo says:

    @Lovegrove – Alrighty – har har.  Sorry, I didn’t mean that as snarky as it sounds on second read.

Speak yer mind.

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