The Republican Gospel.

Matthew 5, the sermon on the mount:

He said:

  Blessed are the poor (in spirit only),
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for we will repeal the estate tax.
 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth (minus the natural resources).
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for self-righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
 Shunned are the merciful,
    for they are soft on crime and embolden the terrorists.
 Blessed are the puritanical in heart,
    for they will see God.
 Blessed are the war-makers,
    for they will be called children of God.
 Blessed are those who persecute because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because you can use this to vilify and further exclude minorities.

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.  You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Light a lamp and put it under a bowl instead of putting it on its stand and giving light to everyone in the house, that is socialism.  But let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify yourself.

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, except when it is convenient.  I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them (interpret this however you like). For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.  What I mean by everything I leave to your imagination entirely, and forget that part about heaven and earth disappearing, I’m totally kidding – unless you want to justify persecuting gays or something in which case quote leviticus as though it still applies.  Anyone else but you who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven (unless you don’t feel like it).  For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven (unless you’re an american).

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment, unless they are a political pundit.  Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell, unless they’re talking to an atheist and quoting the “the fool hath said in his heart there is no god” passage to be a dick – that’s still totally cool. 


To be continued?

About agnophilo

Nerd.
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3 Responses to The Republican Gospel.

  1. cmdr_keen says:

    This is pretty clever. It’s certainly the way most in the GOP come across, but at the same time, the Dems aren’t the be-all and end-all of politicians either. They’re just as guilty of trying to make a quick buck but aren’t as brazenly open about is as some in the GOP.

  2. @cmdr_keen – I couldn’t agree more. The Dems are politicians. Politicans tend to be self serving, dishonest, sometimes corrupt human beings. Unfortunately in our 2 party system we have a choice between them and the Repubs who are completely outta their friggin minds nuts…and they tend to be assholes to boot.  

  3. Tallman says:

    I thought this post was prettty good.

Speak yer mind.

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